Helping Your Son Build His Masculine Identity

2026 can be an anxious time to raise a son.

It's always been the case that when a boy goes through adolescence, he might start to change in ways that parents do not expect, from avoiding activities he once enjoyed to becoming more hesitant to express emotions.

And for a while, we have been recognising that our children can live childhoods so different from what we experienced; it can be difficult to know whether a behaviour is problematic.

Photo by Vance Osterhout on Unsplash

But now, the idea that masculinity has become "toxic" is everywhere in mainstream culture and parent groups. Parents everywhere are wrapping their heads around this new world where perceptions of boys, men and growing up have changed. And no matter our opinions on the topic, we did not grow up in a world where online personalities sold extreme versions of masculinity to vulnerable young men.

No matter what any of us think about masculinity, the numbers show that our young men face real difficulties. One statistic could stand out to parents in particular: 54% of young Australian men feel pressured to solve their personal problems without seeking help (Jesuit Social Services, 2018). That number suggests a real need and opportunity for parents to make a meaningful difference.

Starting With Strengths, Not Deficits

Being told that masculinity is toxic, as a starting point, isn't going to help a whole lot of young men who want to ask for help. One approach to break this deadlock is the idea of the "Man Box." Developed through international research and validated in Australia by Jesuit Social Services' The Men's Project, the Man Box represents the rigid set of beliefs about what it means to be a "real man" (Jesuit Social Services, 2018). These beliefs span seven pillars: self-sufficiency, acting tough, physical attractiveness, rigid gender roles, heterosexuality and homophobia, hypersexuality, and aggression and control.

These beliefs form a restrictive box: not only is it pressuring conformity, but it also excludes boys who don't fit into the box. Tragically, research shows that men with higher Man Box Scale scores were up to five times more likely to engage in verbal, online or physical bullying and sexual harassment, and about twice as likely to experience depression or suicidal ideation (Hill et al., 2020). Young men who most strongly agree with Man Box rules report higher levels of perpetrating violence, being involved in car accidents, drinking to excess, and poorer levels of mental health (Jesuit Social Services, 2018).

The Big Idea: Values Versus Stereotypes

We can see how these pillars can harm a boy or man when they are crystallised into rigid thinking and extremes. However, each pillar can lead to positive and constructive conversations about important values.

For example, the concept of 'self-sufficiency' includes the valuable traits of independence and competence. That same self sufficiency can become a problem if it means never asking for help. Similarly, 'acting tough' involves qualities like resilience and courage, but it can be detrimental when it prevents a boy from expressing vulnerability. Homophobia opens a conversation on homophobic language, given it "has a significant impact on all young people—regardless of their sexuality—because it's used to enforce the boundaries of the Man Box and target those who don't measure up" (Next Gen Men, 2024).

Additional research has shown how traditional concepts of masculinity can be positive and protective for boys but can become harmful when taken to extremes (Flood, 2020).

This understanding can change how we talk to boys: instead of telling them to abandon masculine qualities we can help them find healthier expressions of these same values.

Can This Approach Work?

Programs using positive masculinity principles show results. The Man Cave program in Australia, which uses these approaches, reports that 91% of boys leave wanting to be men who treat others with care and respect, and 84% feel empowered to build and maintain healthy relationships (The Man Cave, 2025).

This is bigger than a shift in attitude, it shows a major shift in how boys see themselves and their place in the world.

Photo by Rich Smith on Unsplash

Is It Practical For Me, As a Dad?

Researchers have defined positive masculinity not as the rejection of traditional masculine traits but as a way to help boys develop their strengths in healthy ways. According to Wilson et al. (2022), positive masculinity is about "developmental progress towards embodying key human strengths in males, particularly in ways that resonate with traditional masculinity."

This framework builds out into three big areas which might seem academic but which can be turned into practical parenting approachs. The framework maps out being

1) connected: building respectful, empathetic relationships

2) motivated: finding intrinsic purpose beyond external validation

3) authentic: having the courage to express one's true identity

So how can parents apply these insights?

Start with Understanding, Not Judgement

If your son shares ideas influenced by rigid masculinity (for example, a perspective from an online influencer), respond with curiosity instead of criticism. You might ask, "What makes you think that?" or "How do you think that affects your friendships?" It's important to remember that a young man's belief in rigid masculine stereotypes can often predict harmful behaviours more accurately than demographic factors such as education level or location (Jesuit Social Services, 2020).

Distinguish Values from Stereotypes

Help your son identify the difference between positive values and limiting stereotypes. For example:

Value: Strength

• Healthy expression: Standing up for others, persevering through challenges, and emotional resilience

• Limiting stereotype: Never showing vulnerability, solving everything alone, using aggression to prove toughness

Value: Leadership

• Healthy expression: Inspiring others, taking responsibility, and collaborative problem-solving

• Limiting stereotype: Dominating others, never admitting mistakes, treating kindness as weakness

Model Emotional Intelligence

Only a quarter of men say they would be likely to seek help from a mental health professional for emotional problems (Australian Institute of Family Studies, 2020). As a parent, you can help break this pattern by:

• Sharing your own emotions appropriately with your son

• Describing how you handle stress and seek support

• Normalising that therapy and counseling are tools for growth and not signs of weakness

Address Online Influences Directly

With young men increasingly influenced by online content, engage rather than avoid these discussions:

• Ask about influencers your son follows without immediate judgment

• Discuss the business model behind controversial content creators

• Help him identify when content promotes harmful stereotypes versus positive role modelling

When to Get Help

Some signs might suggest professional support is needed:

• Sudden withdrawal from activities or relationships

• Increased aggression or risk-taking behaviours

• Expressions of hopelessness or statements like "real men don't need help"

• Rigid adherence to masculine stereotypes affecting daily functioning

Conclusion

Your son's journey to manhood doesn't have to be boxed in and defined by narrow stereotypes. You can make a big difference by being their to support, listen, and take practical steps. With your help, your son can build a masculine identity that serves both his well-being and contributes positively to his community.